By Wayne Weiner, D.Ed.
There’s a delicious tension in rivalry. It sharpens the senses. It tightens the jaw. It can elevate you or exhaust you.
I’ve lived on both sides of that fence.
And I’ve learned something important: competition is a tool. It can build character—or quietly chip away at it.
Let’s start with one of my favorite literary rivalries.
When William Faulkner said of Ernest Hemingway,
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
That wasn’t exactly a Hallmark card.
Faulkner wrote in layered, complex prose. Hemingway wrote in clean, muscular sentences. One was painted in baroque swirls; the other was carved with a straight razor. They represented two philosophies of art and two very competitive spirits.
Was it rivalry? Absolutely.
Was it personal? Perhaps.
Was it productive? Without question.
Literary competition pushed both men toward mastery. They didn’t imitate each other. They sharpened their own voices.
That’s rivalry at its best.
My Competitive Seasons
I’ll confess something: I’ve had seasons where I was intensely competitive.
In my doctoral program, I was Type A. Deadlines weren’t suggestions; they were challenges. Papers weren’t assignments; they were statements. I wanted the highest mark, the most compelling argument, the intellectual edge.
Was it ego? Partly.
Was it drive? Absolutely.
In tennis and basketball, I thrived on competition. I liked the pressure. I liked the moment when the score was tied and everyone was tired. I enjoyed that quiet internal whisper: This is where you prove something.
But today?
On the golf course, I’m a different man. I enjoy golf. Some take it very seriously. I don’t. I left my competitive juices somewhere in Maryland. Now I’m just grateful if the ball stays on the fairway and I don’t injure anyone.
Age? Wisdom? Fatigue?
Maybe all three.
What Experts Say About Competition
Psychologists have studied rivalry and competition for decades. The verdict is nuanced.
- Competition Can Increase Performance
Research in motivational psychology suggests that moderate competition enhances focus and persistence. When stakes are clear and rules are fair, people tend to rise to the occasion.
Dr. Carol Dweck’s work on growth mindset reminds us that competition becomes healthy when it’s about improvement—not identity. If you compete to grow, you win regardless of outcome. If you compete to prove worth, you risk emotional volatility.
- Rivalry Intensifies Effort
Studies show that we perform better against familiar rivals than against strangers. A known opponent triggers deeper motivation. Think of classic sports rivalries—not just about winning, but about history.
The energy feels personal.
But here’s the caution: when rivalry shifts from performance-based to ego-based, anxiety spikes. Cortisol rises. Decision-making narrows. Performance can actually decline.
- Chronic Competitiveness Can Harm Well-Being
Type A behavior patterns, high urgency, hostility, relentless comparison—have long been linked to stress-related health risks. Competition without recovery becomes corrosive.
And I’ve seen this firsthand in leadership consulting. The executive who can’t stop competing eventually competes with everyone, including allies. That’s not a strength. That’s insecurity in a business suit.
The Shadow Side of Rivalry
Let’s be honest. Rivalry can also distort perspective.
In my doctoral years, there were moments when collaboration could have produced better scholarship, but ego quietly whispered, Outperform them.
In sports, I’ve seen teammates become adversaries over minutes played.
In organizations, I’ve watched departments sabotage each other over budgets.
That’s when competition stops being productive and starts being destructive.
The difference lies in intention.
Are you competing to elevate the standard or to diminish the opponent?
Faulkner and Hemingway may have thrown literary jabs, but they didn’t dilute their craft to hurt the other. They sharpened themselves.
That’s the model.
Golf as a Metaphor
Golf has become my teacher.
You can’t rush it.
You can’t bully it.
And if you compete against everyone else instead of the course itself, you miss the point.
I used to thrive on beating someone. Now I enjoy improving my own swing. There’s freedom in that shift.
I’m not less driven. I’m just differently driven.
And that distinction matters.
Was My Competitive Nature Good or Bad?
The honest answer?
Both.
Competition gave me discipline. It gave me stamina. It taught me to handle pressure. It pushed me academically and athletically.
But unchecked, it could have narrowed my relationships. It could have made every room a scoreboard.
As I’ve matured, I’ve learned this:
Healthy rivalry inspires excellence.
Unhealthy rivalry demands dominance.
One builds legacy.
The other builds resentment.
Three Questions to Ask Yourself
If you’re wrestling with your own competitive edge, consider these:
Does my competition elevate others or intimidate them?
Am I driven by growth or by comparison?
Can I celebrate someone else’s success without feeling diminished?
If you can answer those honestly, you’re ahead of the game.
The Final Word
Rivalry is not the enemy. Apathy is.
Competition is not inherently toxic. Insecurity is.
When we channel competitive energy toward excellence—like Faulkner refining complexity or Hemingway perfecting simplicity- we create something lasting.
When we channel it toward ego, we shrink.
Today, I compete differently. I compete with my yesterday self. I measure growth more than trophies. And occasionally, on a golf course, I simply laugh when the ball lands in the sand.
That, too, is a victory.
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